I let my mom go……

This morning i was cleaning the veranda…….U know a lot of windows to clean … and I putted some flowers on the table..With the doors open the wind was playing with the windchime…..The windchime is a professional one which is used in hospitals and houses for mental disturbed kids….Its making a special sound to activate the patients.
Well with the sound…. my mom came back in my mind…Such a windchime used to hang on her bed….
Give u history here..
My mom had Alzheimer.. She stayed in the nursing house where I work…so i could visit her every day….
The first years there was still a lil bit connection……..she changed our names…..she wanted to leave…
she was not happy…..Its a sad situation I can tell u that.. After some time Probs with eating…..probs with walking …and things like that….she did not recognize none of her kids ( i have 1 bro and 1 sis.)
One day the nurses told me my mom had to stay in bed…..dr..decided it was better to let her in her bed…
and at that time … I had the idea she could not see me anymore…..Coz her eyes were focused just @ one point..My mom had blue eyes As blue as a summer sky..>During my break i gave her some drink
its was like astronauts drinks ( 100 cc with everything in it) I talked with my mom as I talked with my cat(
Dont get me wrong …I did not expect an answer ) u know….
This situation lasted for 5 years…..
And than the nurses had hanged such a wind chime on the rail of her bed…So ….with the sound of the windchime they thought to activate her attention….But…..in vain…..
At the end the only communication I had was … touching….the only way to let her know I was there.
and i always felt …..she knew i was there… Touching her cheeck….grab her hands…..When im writing this im crying again….Well all these years if i could save my tears …. I think i cried an ocean
He friends I hope u never have to deal with such things…….Its awefulll…But we cannot choose in life
God decide…….
at the end my mom died  …..it was a kind or relief….Yeah…..My mom died  U might ask urself   A RELIEF
what awefull to say…….!!!   Well i admit  i was relieved   Not for myself but for her…..
I know she did not want this kind of life….her dying lasted years   …..
Days like this    …..remembering helps me to give this part of my life a place  Let the soul fly….
This entry was posted in Personal things. Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to I let my mom go……

  1. Joseph says:

    thx for ur comment sweeti
    but sorry i am out of service
    i can’t talk to anybody
    forgive me

  2. Arun says:

    that one touched me like anything…
    i dont know anyone with Alzheimer disease….but recently i saw a trailer of a Malayalam movie wer the actor suffers from the same, he forget his family, his job, everything….after seeing that trailer….i was in tears…this time again…..after reading this one i had the same…i cant imagine that one fine day when ur near and dear ones dont recognise u…horrible…isnt it
    anyway take care

  3. Jaime Campbell says:

    Oh Sweeti,
    I know.  I’m sorry that you are feeling the sadness today…Isn’t it amazing how strongly the feelings can still come?  Like it was yesterday.  Strong, strong waves.  But I agree, each time we feel it, we release it a little more.  I’m so sorry for what you went through then.  And relief?  Oh yea.  I can completely understand that.  As sad as I was when Dad died, there was relief.  Sad relief, but relief nonetheless.
    Big, big, big, big hugs.
    Love you.

  4. SAURABH says:

    hmm.. writing this with a little wet eyes.. i can imagine missing parents and especially when u know that u never gonna see them again..it hurts.. i m sure u must have had some cheerful moments with your mom…
    i think its just the memories and memories that remains with us…. once i hear some religious talk on televison and the guy was sayin… when we’ll b in our death bed … then our money ..fame..isnt goin to help us at all… the only thing that’ll help will b the love and afection that one gains in his lifetime… that is the only thing that can makes death go easy…
    may god bless her soul…

  5. Michiko's says:

    Hi Sweeti,
    I’m sory to you had sad time with you mum,it must be torn you heart to deeply hurt you but reast your old enough to expectant mother’s sickness,after painfulll time with mum… big relief..I understand that I had an experience with my husband’s died form the lung cancer….Is that your mum’s memorials day? recently….
    I was sad at around the Easter times. all we were remembers a good times and a bad times and in end we are going to died. well awhile we can enjoy ourlives to do our best…
    I was sad to read your story of mum…thank you for sharing.
    Have a nice week ends, Hi to Michael….

  6. MKOC says:

    oh sweeti,
    i am so busy studying. exams…
    there is a big exam on 7th May. i should study more.
    so how are you doing? anything up?
    Much love

  7. Kadir says:

    May her soul rest in peace.
    Yeah i always believed in that…but its not an easy road i guess. Take care.

  8. adi says:

    u know, its true…God has his ways of making or breaking our lives. when he takes somethin away from u, he’s sure to return somethin back..
    all we can do is cherish what we have and hope for the best..
    take care my friend.

  9. Unknown says:

    Hehe Lieve Marij
    Heb nog niks gedaan met de tekst in afbeelding
    Je vroeg waar ik de plaatjes vandaan heb overal, maar heb ook wel een leuke link voor je
    fijne zondag
    Liefs en hugs Marianne

  10. ~A Free Butterfly~ says:

    Oh how I know this feeling….and yet today, 5 years later, I cry…..my loss was my son…((((hugs))) to you…and I DO understand what you said  about "relief"…but only someone thats been there, does understand…peace

  11. Prithvi says:

    oh,am so sorry about this….it must really devastating to see ur own mother in the death bed..isn’t it…my condolences.
    sorry for not visiting ur space for a while,i was caught up..neways ciao.
    take care

  12. Ameen says:

    aww so sad. Sorry about that. My uncle died somethign like that but it was way worse. Yes I kno what u mean when u say ‘relief’ for her when she died. these days most of us are ‘surviving’ rather than living. living is a luxery very few of us have. anyway now she is with god.

  13. ·¦·LiИќĪn_BoI·¦· says:

    Hi Marij!!
    Im sorry I took so long to come and comment on ur blog…. I am indeed so sorry, I was having such a hectic time with all the problems regarding my job placement and everything, life has been so hectic…. but hopefully it will settle down again.
    I was almost in tears now, when I was reading your blog… my aunty suffered and died of Alzheimer’s and it was such a terrible time for my mom. she was my mom’s own sister… and unfortunately she was miles away abroad, my mom couldn’t even go see her…. she passed away after suffering for disease for 2 years…
    Its such a terrble disease… I would never want anyone I know to ever suffer like that…. I mean I never want to die forgetting everyone I love…. life is meant to be treasured and we all want to die a death that won’t take away all those memories.
    I ask myself sometimes why god puts us humans through all these terrible things…..
    maybe its still the original sin that seems to be still hurting all of us….
    marij, my dear friend….my deepest sympathies on the loss of ur mom, may she rest in peace with god in heaven….
    ur friend,

  14. ·¦·LiИќĪn_BoI·¦· says:

    Hi there! just wanted to tell u that I finally commented on all ur blogs that I missed…. sorry again for not being around often!
    tc and hope 2 c ur comments too!

  15. Isabel says:

    Awww Sweeti I am sorry for all that!
    I can understand you very well. My mother passed away 2 years ago and she had cancer and suffer so much that when she died (she was holding my hand) and I felt like a bird was free from his cage to fly…it was such a relief! Nevertheless I miss her a lot!
    A BIG HUG!
    Take care

  16. Arun says:

    happy May dayis it holiday thr…here no holidayback in india it isarun

  17. Anant M says:

    Dear Marij

    On your Mother like no other: I read your entry. It is a very powerful and a moving account of your feelings. That is precisely what I wanted you to do. Express your pent-up emotions in a therapeutic way and let go.
    I can hear the chime you mention, and show in your entry, in my heart. A lump forms in one’s throat due to inevitable emotional flooding associated with the vivid memories you so eloquently describe. How does one truly sympathise with a bereaved friend who still feels the pain after some years – as sounds and smells remind her of her mother especially in the inexplicable condition that she was in her final 5 years – a long time to suffer indeed? But we assume that she was aware of and felt actual pain in that condition.
    The answer to that question is by empathising with the other – by feeling their pain if one is able – by sitting in silence with down cast eyes with the bereaved – by sincerely crying with them if one feels emotionally moved and uninhibited enough and confident to express it especially with an equally sincere comforting and reassuring hug. At a time such as bereavement I find words totally inadequate to express the depth and sincerity of one’s empathy. Music does come somewhere near that depth but not quite. In my view nothing is more sincere and more reassuringly comforting than to feel the unconditional, reassuring, and empathetic embrace of another human – in total silence or otherwise – feeling his/her warm tears roll down your neck – nothing.
    If that is not possible due to the distance involved – then one has to employ words to convey that empathy sincerely. To that end, I hope I have ‘hugged your aching pain away’?
    We have the belief (and the medical research concurs with that) that touch and hearing are the two senses to go last, in that order. I have no doubt in my mind that you Mother must have known you were there for her all along all those years doing your duty – we call Séva – an unconditional service to another without any expectation of reward. Hence, your feeling must have been correct. To have sustained that level of Seva for that length of time – in my view – elevated your Atma (your soul) to another dimension – akin to divine. No one could have done more. I have nothing but total and absolute admiration and respect for people like you.
    Therefore – letting go was the right thing to do – without feeling of guilt – for as you – yourself – say it was for her sake to not let her suffer any longer. We have the belief that Atma (the soul) is imperishable. All you were doing was merely accepting the inevitable truth that it was time for your mother to discard her non-functioning apparel (her physical body) and move on to adorn a new one (being born elsewhere) or to the state of eternal pain-free bliss (if her cycle of birth & re-birth was over). We believe that terminal diseases & fatal incidents etc are mere vehicles leading to the inevitable reality of life – or in other words mere excuses culminating in what we call death. It is not within our power to stop or delay or that transition a moment longer. With every mourning there usually is a celebration elsewhere. This attachment is called Māyā within Hinduism. The idea is to develop one’s emotional intelligence to such a degree that one is equipped to withstand the rigours of the ups and downs resulting from such eventual detachments of attachments.
     Therefore, to openly claim that it came as a relief to you to see your Mother’s transition – demonstrates that emotional intelligence, for it (your thoughts and feelings) is the truth. You, who cannot see the suffering of others in the World, could not have been expected to expect a day longer with your ailing mother even though your unconditional love for her (your Māyā) was making you feel guilty for thinking such thoughts. I hope these words provide some solace to your still grieving heart. Amen.

    Eventually – On happiness – A Daily Inspiration for you:  The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so. Renunciate sannyasini Ma Yoga Shakti Saraswati, has taught yoga and dharma worldwide for over thirty years
    with love & respect

  18. matty says:

    I read ur  blog and was  deeply moved my Grandmother died three years ago , but she was more like my mum and i miss her everyday, but i try  and remember the  good times she was  here with  us , tyr and remember the good times u had and things seems  better even though the person is  not there, she will be missed by u and everyone  she touch in her life take care

  19. Gurpreet says:

    its a rule of life that evryone in this world has to go someday and the thing that matters is the love and affection one get from the near and dear ones in last days of life….. I believe that your mom must been very happy that her daughter was with her in her last days….

    …. So never feel alone bcos she will be always with you,

  20. Jaime Campbell says:

    Just stopping by to check on you and give you a hug.  I know that was tough stuff that you did about your Mom recently.  Big hugs to you my friend.

  21. *white-flag* says:

    i almost had tears in my eyes wen i finished readin this…
    yes ..life is never easy…..
    u are very brave…n dont let ur confidence go…

  22. priyanga says:

    sad stroy.sorry abt that.u know thats da life.every human being have to face this situation.we can understand ur feelings.my grandmother passed away 5yrs ago.when she died only me an sis wth her.finally my mom came.i still can remember like yesterday.
    anyway tc

  23. Vijay says:

    That’s a tough break. May her soul rest in peace and may there be less people in this world who have to go thru such health problems!

  24. vesuvious says:

    *sniff* im awfully sorry to hear this……..can’t write more…..*wipin wet eyes*

  25. Çé®εв®åĻ®ùşţ says:

    may her good soul rest in peace.im sry for ur loss.i understand wat ur going through.and i hope that u get all the strength u need to overcome the pain.
    take care ciao

  26. Aafrica says:

    it must have been tough years. i’m sure she is in peace and in a peaceful place now.

    thank you for stopping by my space. i hope there will soon be resolutions in Sri Lanka, it’s such a beautiful place, but wounded again and again. i wish you the very best.

  27. Jacqui's says:

    No I understand all too well about wishing our loved ones would not suffer. My mom had cancer, adn it was starting to get bad again after a bout of remission. I prayed to God that if He was going to take her, to take her soon. He did… a week or two later. Thank God she didn’t suffer the way most ppl with cancer do… she died in her sleep unexpectedly. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad your mom is at peace now.

  28. Sudhir says:

    Hello Sweeti – I understand your feelings about your Mum. My father is suffering from Alzhemier and it is heartbreaking to see someone close to you in that stage and you cannot do anything about it but try and make their life as comfortable as possible.
    Any chance I can download the beautiful song in your space? where should I go?

  29. Hiddo says:

    Het was vorige maand 4 jaar geleden dat ik mijn moeder verloren ben ze mocht slechts 57 jaar worden.
    Het is zwaar om iemand waar je van houd steeds zieker te zien worden en je kan gewoon niets doen, het geeft je echt een machteloos gevoel. Er gaat voor mij geen dag voorbij zonder dat ik terug denk aan die periode je gaat toch beseffen dat niets in het leven vanzelfsprekend is. Volgende maand is het 10 jaar geleden dat ik voor het eerst in Sri Lanka was ik was toen met mijn moeder en broer en een Srilankaanse jongen die we in Nederland hadden leren kennen. Toen was ze al ziek maar ging het nog wel, het is voor mij een reis geworden waar ik dierbare herinneringen aan heb overgehouden vooral omdat mijn moeder nog heb mogen meemaken wat voor mooi land Sri Lanka is. Ze was meer dan alleen een moeder ze was ook een vriendin die altijd klaarstond voor haar kinderen hoe ziek ze ook was. Des te harder is het als we van zo,n iemand afschijt moet nemen, maar toch ook blij dat ik haar in mijn leven heb mee mogen maken en dat haar een verder lijden bespaart is gebleven.
    Groetjes Hiddo

  30. charming says:

    You did the right thing M..Now your mother’s soul is free like a butterfly…love cha

  31. Samantha says:

    I’ve seen many people suffer from this cruel illness and the sadness it brings on their families, but all say the same, it’s a relief. To go unrecognised from your nearest and dearest is like loving an empty shell, their soul went long before. So dig deep back into the memories you had before Alzheimers took hold.
    Poeple don’t understand because on the surface, they look the same, like they used to, but their eyes are empty.
    I cannot comprehend how it must feel and I’m sorry for every sufferer and their families.
    It runs in my family, both my mother and I have poor memory, her mother was "senile" in her 50’s so it is always at the forfront of our thoughts.
    I try hard to live life like the mayfly.
     Thank you for sharing your story, you made me cry too 🙂

  32. Sanjana says:

    im so sorry for your loss dear sweetie. We have much in common perhaps that is the reason i feel this special kind of kinship with you. like you are a sister………………It must have been painful. when my dad went into a coma that was in 2006 i prayed for him to die. so i understand your feeling relieved………….Its difficult to see someone who is fiercely independent at the age of 73 become a helpless mass. if my dad woke from the coma he was sure to be paralysed and I knew he would never want that. Having his daughters clean him would have killed him every day. I d rather he died once than a thousand deaths…………………i totally understand Sweetie…………..i wish we had selective memory and could remember only the good times but that is not to be…………i still remember my mom when she died her sunken eyes her shriveled face she didnt even look like the same person anymore…………….its sad………………………..it still keeps me awake sometimes……………..DAd atleast didnt feel any pain…..a blood vessel burst in his brain and they say that when there is brain injury the patient doesnt feel any pain as the nervous system stops………………i thank god for the coma atleast ti stoppped the pain………………………..but memories sweetie they dont go away no matter how much i try…………………………..and for some crazy reason most of the people i love die in my arms………….it s crazy……………

  33. A sad sad story, heartbreaking to the family to have to go through this.
    You have my admiration.

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