My mom’s birthday

Days to remember…She is not with us anymore.

I wrote this in april 2006. I often come back to read,  do i open wounds  by doing this? 

I let my mom go……
This morning i was cleaning the veranda…….U know a lot of windows to clean … and I put some flowers on the table..With the doors open the wind was playing with the windchime.The windchime is a professional one which is used in hospitals and houses for mental disturbed kids….It makes a special sound to activate the patients.
Well with the sound…. my mom came back in my mind…Such a windchime used to hang on her bed
My mom had Alzheimer.. She stayed in the nursing house where I work…so i could visit her every day….
The first years there was still a lil bit connection……..she changed our names…..she wanted to leave…
she was not happy…..Its a sad situation I can tell u that. After some time Probs with eating…..probs with walking …and things like that….she did not recognize none of her kids ( i have 1 bro and 1 sis.)
One day the nurses told me my mom had to stay in bed.dr.decided it was better to let her in her bed
and at that time … I had the idea she could not see me anymore.Coz her eyes were focused just @ one point.My mom had blue eyes As blue as a summer sky.During my break i gave her somethng to drink
its was like astronauts drinks ( 100 cc with everything in it) I talked with my mom as I talked with my cat(Dont get me wrong) I did not expect an answer
This situation lasted for 5 years. Imagine i knew how long this situation would last  i dont think i could handle.
And than the nurses hang such a wind chime on the rail of her bed.So ….with the sound of the windchime they thought to activate her attention….But… vain…..
At the end the only communication I had was … touching….the only way to let her know I was there.
and i always felt …..she knew i was there… Touching her cheeck….grab her hands…..When im writing this im crying again….Well all these years if i could save my tears …. I think i cried an ocean
He friends I hope u never have to deal with such things…….Its awefulll…But we cannot choose in life
God decide…….
at the end my mom died  … was a kind or relief….Yeah…..My mom died  U might ask urself   A RELIEF
what awefull to say…….!!!   Well i admit  i was relieved   Not for myself but for her…..
I know she did not want this kind of life….her dying lasted years   …..
Days like this    …..remembering helps me to give this part of my life a place  Let the soul fly….

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22 Responses to My mom’s birthday

  1. Joe says:

    Oh my goodness, this brings painful memories back for me too my friend. My dear grandmother suffered the same disease and we all helped my grandfather care for her. She died while I was on the mission field in the Philippines. She made such a huge differnece to us all and watching her slip away years before she died was the most painful thing we ever had to endure. Let it go…you’re right, that what we must do. Hold to the lessons we’ve learned from such things and remember that person for who they truly were. My grandmother knew God…in fact it was she who led us down the same path. I know we’ll meet again on the other side. Grace and comfort to you and thank you for sharing.

    • chicasl10 says:

      Joe When i posted it. i felt everything again Not knowing what was going on in her mind. Its still for me a big question. And like u say its painfull Sorry to read u where not with her at the moment she went. But Joe
      she died slowly minut after minut day after day . she was slipping away.. And what can we do?? watch and cry when we turn our back Its good to talk abt such things with ppl that experienced the same pain. My mom was also a believer in God. While we often doubted. the Why? word .. u know.
      sorry that i brought ur pain back Joe.

  2. arcticwl says:

    The situation lasted for 5 years, i totally understand your feeling Sweetie, her going became a relief, that is true, when her life suffered to that extreme, i guess everyone understand the what “relief” means to you, to you siblings…

    have a good Sunday my friend.

  3. ajitpeter says:

    the end we meet is not by choice
    yet in our hearts depth cries the voice
    why why the question just left blank
    the life with them to thank
    angels never leave

  4. Beth Marie says:

    I can understand why you felt relief when your mother died. That is no way to live and now she is in a better place where her memory is intact.

  5. prenin says:

    Hi hun!

    I’m lucky: I lost good friends, neighbours and my grandparents, but mum and the sperm donor still live.

    I don’t know how it will be when she dies, but mum is still a big part of my life.

    The sperm donor?

    I think there will be dancing and general rejoicing when the evil fart finally drops dead…

    God Bless my friend and huge hugs!!!


  6. My words won’t touch your pain…so I will offer instead a simple heartfelt hug.

  7. andro51 says:

    I saw this posted and I decided to leave it a while, it is indeed a very sad and upsetting time to live through, you mentioned the relief, I don’t think that anyone reading your story here will think anything other than the meaning in which you portrayed, it was a relief in the end, yes for her I mean…

    One can only imagine how you must have felt back then, the agonising times that you lived through, but you know, your mum was and always will be with you my great friend, that is what I believe anyway and so with this thought in mind do not cry anymore, take out all the loving, and the most sweetest memories that you hold dear to your heart and they too will be with you forever… Be well Sweeti

    Androgoth XXx

  8. penpusherpen says:

    so true Sweeti,
    Let the soul fly, when faced with a situation like you found yourself…the only way you can cope is to love and let go..,.and everyone understands the feeling you felt of relief, and why you felt it…relief that her suffering was over, the pain felt is almost unbearable but you do learn to accept and remember the better times, they will take the place of the more painful memories. I know this time always brings into doubt our feelings about how could there be a God who lets things like this happen, what purpose could this serve… No-one can answer this, but maybe one day we will learn…I do hope so.
    take care my sweet friend… xPenx.

  9. SethPopowich says:

    What a great way to remember your Mom. When someone we love dies there is an aching emptiness that is felt. They are no longer here to share our days. To find a way after their death, to keep their memory alive, can give some comfort while we are learning to live life without them…. like this windchime! Although some of your memories may be sad ones… what beautiful thoughts you have of your Mom!

  10. Michiko says:

    Hi Sweeti San,
    I did look back your blogs 30th April 2006 (32 comments)to read again after that became very emotioal time I have had and my minds are back to there…
    I remember one of my friends mothers been sick and she can’t remember only she gave big smiles, that break my heart.
    We know that in ourlives are ups in downs and everyday is differences never the same, but always a sad memories were styed in corner of our hearts.
    My parents have passsed I’d love to have the opportunity to ask them that question again.
    Your mother’s in peaceful place and looking down to watchs on you.
    By the way how is Michel doing these day?
    You have a great day my friend,

  11. jennyozzy says:

    sweeti dont cry anymore its the worst things as we get older that we have to cope with i wonder how we manage sometimes loosing your memory is loosing your i d and everything precious you did your best and thats all that matters think of the times you had with her i try too do that now and it gets you through xxhave a lovely weekend xxjen

  12. Huggles 2u, she will live on in ur heart & ur memories, thinking of u & sending u Positive & Healing Vibes ur way, Luv PF XXX

  13. Hiee… Sweeti 🙂 .. I finally found your blog on wordpress! 🙂 ..

    I will go through the posts too.. in detail.. I was trying to connect with all the old Myspace bloggers..


  14. gmarilena says:

    It’s not an awful thing to say, I completely understand…

  15. SethPopowich says:

    Just saying hello… you seem a little quiet these days. Thought that I would come by and shake you up a little. Hope that all is well.

  16. Princess says:

    these are deep emotions. I find it hard even if I had to stay in hospital for one night. I really dunno what to say friend.

    take care sweeti..

  17. I’m really sorry for your lose buddy, It’s our nature to hold a fear of death, thinking of we can no longer feel anything, we can not see our loved ones, and we can not tell our loved ones how we treasure them. But on the other hand, since our birth, we r walking to death. We all know about it we just choose to not think of it. All the sadness and fear comes from the idea that oneday we r all going to die. However I always believe each one of us is a tourist of our life journey, we start from birth and it all ends when death comes. Some of our loved ones might reach the destination sooner than us, that’s why we should treasure our life more and appreciate God more, so that we learn to enjoy our lives more. And when we reached our destination, we could share what we see from our journey with our loved ones. We all come from nature, and after all, we will all become one part of nature again. We will enjoy the true eternity just like hundred years ago when we r not a life yet. We will be like wind, sand, sunshine and flowers, we will enjoy the peace once and for all.Don’t be sad because it’s over, be happy because we could have this opportunity to enjoy our journey.That’s what I think.
    take care xxx

  18. Oh MJ so heartbreaking this story about your mom. I think in a way when someone we love has alzheimer we have already lost them. But I think your mom knew you were there with her, I think each touch of her hand or cheek or each word you spoke meant something to her even if she couldn’t tell you.

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